Articles

Increasing independence: enabling vs. protecting

[text_block style=”style_1.png” align=”left”]When a parent sees his child feeling scared or anxious, it is his natural instinct to try and protect him from the perceived danger. However, with anxiety-provoking everyday situations (like talking to a peer or teacher) in which the child needs to learn to function in order to lead a full and satisfying life, the parents’ aim should be to enable him to acquire and practice coping skills. It’s not easy – how can parents know when to enable “fighting fear by facing fear” and when should they protect their child? It’s vital to convey to your child your belief in his abilities and allowing him to be in situations that are challenging to a tolerable degree and will give him the experience needed to hone his skills. For example, when a shy child is asked a question by an acquaintance, it is tempting for the parent to answer for the child. But if the child, with some effort and a little discomfort, can answer, then the parent is depriving him of a valuable social skills building experience by answering in his place. There is a fine line between not asking a child to do something that raises his anxiety to an unbearable level, and encouraging him to express himself intolerably anxiety-producing situations. If this is a relevant issue for you and your child, then it may be helpful to work with a therapist to consider how to discern and apply the fine line between enabling and protecting. Useful further reading is listed in the reference section.

Rescuing and the Five-Second Rule

We are so accustomed to immediate verbal responses within discourse that we may not wait for a child with SM to respond and may respond in her place. This is called “rescuing,” and this is how it happens: an adult may ask a child which grade he is in, and the child hesitates to answer for all of three seconds—which seems to our ears to be an eternity. The parent wants to both ease the child’s apparent discomfort and to conform to the rules of verbal discourse in which pregnant silences are awkward, and he answers instead of the child. This gives the child a message that the anxiety is too great for him to manage and that you do not expect him to be able to respond. The five-second rule helps parents give the child a chance to answer. If someone asks the child a question, the parent (or teacher) can count to five in his or her head, after which the adult can restate the question to the child, giving a couple of options for a verbal response that can’t be answered by a nod of the head. For example, ask, “Are you in first grade or second grade?” Then wait a further five seconds. This procedure—which feels to the parents more like ten minutes then ten seconds—gives the child the message that his parent thinks that he is capable of answering and expects that one of these days, he might just do so. And actually, he might answer during the time that you give him to respond. But even if he does not, he will understand two things: his parent believes in him, and he was exposed to an uncomfortable situation for all of ten seconds and survived! This is one of the keys to treating anxiety disorders: habituation to the anxiety-provoking stimulus shows the child that he can accustom himself to the feared situation (adapted from Dr. Steven Kurtz).

In addition, at the age at which SM is most prevalent—around the beginning of elementary school—children are becoming more independent, functioning in large educational institutions, some traveling on school buses. Parents can assist their children by fostering appropriate levels of independence at home This can include tasks such as tidying their room, bathing, homework, etc. Age appropriate independent functioning gives a child a feeling of competence and control over his surroundings. This can help the child feel more able to function in school and have the confidence and courage to take steps toward speech. From (“The SM Treatment Guide: Manuals for Parents, Teachers and Therapists. Still Waters Run Deep”)[/text_block]

still waters run deep